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elliot ness

Elliot Ness, The Untouchables’ Finest Hour

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Scientist Of The U.S. (SOTUS) Demonstrates Space Alien Technology

Untouchables Rummage Unmentionables Former Elected Official’s Crime Wave Thwarted

Federal Crime Busters swooped in on scoff-law Former Elected Official’s hideaway lair in daring dawn raid. Echoing the finest traditions of Elliot Ness, Efraim Zimbalist, Jr., and the Lone Ranger, not to mention Batman, dozens of heavily armed federal officers secured the criminal mastermind’s hidey-hole and ransacked the joint. A treasure trove of evidence, including cocktail napkin notes, menus, current and expired passports was secured.

The true motherlode, however, was only discovered by scouring the “unmentionables” drawer of the Former Elected Official’s wife. That’s where Top Secret/Sensitive Compartmented Information from Area 51 was discovered. Space Alien technology that promises to revolutionize the bicycling world.

Everyone knows that bicycles are nearly impossible to control. Falling off a stationary bicycle is the third leading cause of trauma and death in the United States. Bicycles, or “bikes” as some say, are truly the devil’s handiwork. Each family has its own tragic story of bicycle devastation. And yet, from Area 51 UFO Space Alien Research, an answer was found. A way to balance on that machine of death and disfigurement, the bicycle.

Retrieving this key bicycle-balance technology was essential to our homeland’s national security. No other reason could possibly justify abusing historical norms of decency or the victims’ Constitutional rights. Otherwise, the paper-thin flimflam excuses proffered by Government Agents for such an unprecedented paramilitary assault on a Former Elected Official’s unoccupied residence are not only ludicrous, they are also imbecile.

Our faith, however, has been justified. The Super-Secret Bicycle Technology has been recovered and demonstrated by the Scientist of the United States, or SOTUS, as some say.

Here is the photographic proof:

biden bike accident
AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta

First, a typical civilian encounter with a bicycle. Observe that the evil bike need not be moving to inflict harm. Keenly aware of the lurking malice, SOTUS wears an elaborate helmet and hi-tech handwear. He is surrounded by sycophants to sing of his savoir faire. Alas, the bloody bicycle manages to send him “keister over tea kettle” to the dismay of his disciples. Huzzah! SOTUS survived.

Next, observe the consequences of employing Double-Secret Probation Classified Intelligence Space Alien Bicycle-Balance Technology retrieved from the greedy clutches of the Former Elected Official:

This invisible, yet highly effective technology enables an extensive entourage to encourage SOTUS on his scientific sojourn. As you can see, we shall be free from those bulky, ridiculous egg crates perched on our heads! Hand protection will also be a thing of the past. The bicycle’s Reign of Terror is over!

biden biking on the beach
Photo Credit: The Telegraph Photo Credit: CNN Newsource

The lesson of course is obvious. If Government Agents approve of your politics and do not threaten the Swamp, you can destroy evidence, run the State Department on a compromised home- brew computer to avoid the Freedom of Information Act, smoke crack on camera, make dirty deals with foreign powers to kick back millions to your politician father, and basically do whatever you like. Without consequence. But if you try to selfishly hide Super-Secret Bicycle Balance Technology from Space Aliens in Area 51 from the American People, your so-called Constitutional Rights will be trampled. And your spouse will probably need a whole new unmentionable collection.